8 months ago, if you had asked me what I envisaged happening in my life in the first quarter of 2020 … reconciling after our divorce would have been the last thing to come to mind.
In June 2019 I shared the news with you guys that I got divorced. Aside from losing several close friends and the usual judgement from family members, we were showered with an abundance of love and support. Fast forward 8 months later and we can honestly say that getting divorced was the best thing we could have done.
While many things contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, getting married was sited as the biggest factor. We were still very much in love with each other, but a marriage takes far more than love to make it work. You can read that blog post about our divorce over HERE to fully understand what I’m trying to say. Then head back and continue reading further.
Where do I begin?
Up until the end on 2019, we had individually focused on rebuilding our new lives without each other. The process was harder than either of us would have ever anticipated. We left our lives together with a lot having not being said. Clifford, more than I wasn’t ready to process or talk about the divorce. It was hard to come to terms with a failed marriage and the feelings of anger, hurt and loss that comes with this treacherous path.
The family vacation that changed everything
Our December vacation which was planned a year in advance (because I’m organised like that) happened despite us being divorced. Everything had already been booked and paid for. The ultimate priority has always been the kids and their well-being. After the divorce Clifford continued to play a pivotal role in their lives. In addition to that I’m not one to stand in the way of what makes my kids happy. With nothing to lose and loads of rest and relaxation, extremely difficult conversations that needed to have happened finally did take place. We had a wonderful vacation that yielded immense healing. The status quo however remained.
The tipping point
As we headed into the new decade feeling more emotionally stable and our hearts not as heavy, we felt the loss of losing each other more than ever before. We were torn between the choices of our hearts versus the choices of our minds. We had a few meetings siting our differences and our issues. As we worked through those points carefully deciding if they were deal breakers or not, it was ironically the events of a guy’s night out that brought us the greatest clarity. Despite the clarity, we faced the somewhat awkward and insanely scary situation of having to ask, “What now?
Going into this we knew right off the bat that this would not be an easy ride. That it meant starting from scratch (which I personally don’t think is such a bad thing). We were in no way blinded to the fact that reconciling meant putting in the dedication and hard work.
Finding the courage
We needed to dig deep and find the courage to face everything and rise together. All I can honestly say is that extremely tough conversations have been had. We have been brutally honest with each other which was a risk in itself. Over the past 2 months, weekly meetings have been held to discuss the pros and cons. Therapy and withdrawing ourselves from everyone have also been the paths we have chosen. We needed the silence to find our way. What would people think or say? Not our problem! This is one factor that doesn’t impact our decisions. People will talk. Some will be happy for us while others will judge and gossip. That’s human nature and not something that should stop us from trying again.
We needed the buy-in of the kids
When we were finally 110% sure that we did want to reconcile Cliff took us out and asked the boys permission. Ashton responded with “I saw this coming” (damn wise-ass) and followed up with “Its awesome as long as you are both committed to putting in the work that is required”. I mean, who’s this kid and why does he sound like me? Skylar was over the moon and lit up like a Christmas tree. We got a unanimous “YES” from him. He did have a gazillion questions about sex out of wedlock? Can you say tote awks?
Reasons People Want to Reconcile
There are many different reasons why spouses decide to get back together. Additionally, each reconciliation may involve one or more impetus for revival.
- Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder.
- Time to Reflect Makes Anger Dissipate.
- The Grass May not Be so Green.
- Personality Changes and Renewed Love.
- Should You Try to Restore Your Marriage?
- Accepting Culpability.
- Changed Behavior.
- Changed Expectations
Some of the above does apply to us and if you follow us on social media then you would have noticed that we were never truly ready to let go of each other. As much as we can drive each other absolutely insane, we really are the best of friends. And I still think he’s a hottie.
It took this divorce for me to finally have what I’ve always wanted. Someone that loves me enough to fight for me. Someone who (despite his shitty timing) is prepared to step up to the plate and prioritise me and my needs. Walking away from that would be incredibly easy but I’d be a damn fool not to take the chance on someone who is prepared to risk everything for me.